The one about Andaloo going back to school

Quite close to The Land Of The Smiling Mule is "Pleasantville", and unlike here Pleasantville is very shiny and posh. There's a school in Pleasantville, and in that school is a member of staff who's been signed off work for a month and I was asked to cover for her. My first thought was "ppfff, you've got to be joking, do you think I'm mad, it's been fifteen years since I did anything like that." Then I thought of all those little shiny students with shiny attitudes and thought, "no, definitely not. I won't do it. No.
So, I've been there a week now and really enjoying it. I'm not teaching, I'm more of a paper-clip monitor, but hey it has prospects.
On my first day I was asked to take the minutes of a meeting. It started well, apart from forgetting people's names so I couldn't note exactly who said what, but towards the end of the meeting it all went pair shaped. I got so interested in what was being talked about I forgot what I was supposed to be doing and just sat there listening. It wasn't until I caught myself about to chip in with my contribution that I realised I hadn't written anything down for about five minutes. Bugger!
The office has glass walls with blinds and my desk sits in a corner (I know, too much information, but keep up it's important). On the other side of the nearest wall is a common area used by the older students. NOTE ON SHINY LITTLE STUDENTS: These people are mostly taller than me, have beards (not the girls) and are surprisingly worldly wise. What they don't realise (or maybe care about) is that I can hear everything they're saying. No, I'm not going to repeat it here but I've had quite an education myself over the last few days. I had no idea a cigarette could buy so many favours!

Strictly for no reason

Just one question: Is John Seargent Jo Brand in drag?

Doctor, I think there are signs of recovery

The fan on this laptop has been working overtime. It never went off. I constantly burnt my fingers on the mouse square thingo. Something had to change.

It may look a bit weird but it works. My computer is now sat on a baking tray, which allows air to pass under it, keeping it beautifully cool(er). No more burnt finger tips, no more losing work when the computer suddenly shuts down after over heating, no more banana bread for a while.

Caution, nerd in the making

I haven't written anything for a while because I've been working on a website. Now, don't get all impressed because it's my first attempt and it is of the drag and drop variety. It should be finished soon and when it is I'll shamelessly plug it here. But what has amazed me is how totally engrossed I've been by it. On the day this thing started life I lost the whole day. I sat here working out colour schemes, fonts and layout and completely missed the day passing by. That really spooked me, so after that I worked a couple of hours into my day when I could sit here and lose myself, and I do, completely. Not only that, it's also running through my mind when I'm not sat here. I was talking to a friend the other day, well she was talking and I was trying to look like I was listening, but I was thinking, "should that image expand on rollover or not?" In the middle of eating lunch today I got up and switched a lamp on, then held it up to a picture frame to create shadow so I could decide whether it really did give depth. This is really worrying behaviour and I want my life back!

Farewell trusty old friend

I just know that one day soon I'm going to open my computer and it's going to go phutt. I don't blame it, it's really tired now and more than ready to go to wherever it is that computers go to die. I've been wondering for a while whether to go for a Mac next or stick with what I know. At home we often move things across from one computer to another, which presumably we won't be able to do if one's running on a Mac O.S. and the other on Windows? Every Mac user I've spoken to raves over their baby, but many years ago it seemed everybody was raving over their Citroen 2CV's (click here if you don't know what I'm talking about), so we bought one. We had it a week before taking it back to Citroen and pleaded with them to exchange it for a proper car. Hold on, did I just compare Mac computers to 2CV's? Nawww surely not.
Anyway, I'm busy trying to back up all the crap trasures off my computer incase it gives up before I get a new one, and it's made me realise I'm a) a hoarder, and b) a filing slut. I've tried, honest I have, to take out the trash as my laptop's memory started to diminish but the problem is you can't see it. Unlike physical rubbish the treasures crap I've got stored on my computer is out of sight and out of mind. So the big question is what goes and what stays? Do I really need three "teach yourself how to type" courses? Well, yes, frankly I do. The first one I installed is in Spanish because I use a Spanish keyboard, but I got bored with all the accénts so installed an English one, which was pointless because the keys were all in the wrong places, then there's the American one. Obviously this one is as pointless as the English one but the cheesy voiceover makes me howl and takes away the boredom. No, they have to stay.

Reading through what I've just written I've realised a lot of the stuff I'm planning to clog up my new computer with won't transfer if it's a Mac. Bugger.

Health and safety in the workplace

They started drilling at about eight thirty this morning. Pneumatic drills never really do it for me, and especially when I'm half asleep. The windows rattled, the cats got under the bed and I got very bored with it very quickly.
Mid morning I had to go out. As I got closer to the noise I realised they'd dug a big rectangular hole in the middle of the street, well, I say "they" but in fact I should say "he". There was one man, waist deep in a hole in the middle of the street. Around him stood three men in suits, complete with hard hats, protective goggles and ear protectors. They all stood around watching the man in the hole sweat. I walked closer and looked in the hole, the suits shuffled their feet and put their arms out as if to stop me jumping in or to demonstrate getting any closer was dangerous. What I saw was a man with a pneumatic drill, waist deep in a hole and wearing a vest, shorts and slippers. ¡Qué Andalu!

Ants

What is the point of ants?